Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
