apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
