im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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