you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
