I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wear drunk well.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
