I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
