I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You are a genius and a whore.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
