Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
