Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
