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the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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