party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
