So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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