My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
