call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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