There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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