Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
