and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
