If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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