I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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