so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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