I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Acid is not a monday night drug
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
