Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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