and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
