hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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