No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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