who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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