Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
