I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
