So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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