Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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