I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
