Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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