mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
