So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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