guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
