dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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