She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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