if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
