I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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