U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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