I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
