I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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