I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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