Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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