pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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