Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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