it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
