What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
