my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
