Where did you get a picture of my penis
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
