I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
