Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
