Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
